Cycles South (1971)
On Any Sunday (1971)
Dust to Glory (2005)
180° South: Conquerors of the Useless (2010)
My weekend: My weekend was full of inward reflection with the exception of a tremendous mistake on Friday night/Saturday morning. The mistake is just another chapter in my life story. I still see this one as just a stupid mistake with bad timing. I hope the judge will agree on Wednesday morning.
Saturday and Sunday I was engrossed in the movies listed above. These movies are very inspirational. So many people have set a goal, had a dream, and fought to achieve it. A year ago I had a plan. It was my "American Dream". I was to be married this fall, almost out of debt, and shopping for the house that I would start raising my family in. This past January all that fell apart. Mistakes and experiences in my past will always haunt me, and unfortunately I let those experiences beat me down, into a horrible angry person. I believe now that I have found my way to deal with the accident, and I can see a future that allows me to manage the memories and guilt. The other side of losing my "American Dream" and driving away the woman I wanted to share it with has left me with a new guilt, and respectively a new anger. This is the source of my current frustrations and the darkness that haunts my path. When will I abandon this, let go and move on? It may sound simple to some of you, but if you think it is simple, I think one has not experienced anything like it before. Those of you who have, I pray you find your way through this dark place. The one in which I am, twisted, lost, and confused.
I must find a new solution. I must set a new goal, find my new dream. It will be hard. I am a person of varying and contradicting interests. There are factors in my life I can't control, such as If a new lover will come into my life or if a past lover will return. All I know is that my previous dream is gone without my fiancé in my life.
My New Plan; I still want to travel. Do some personal soul searching, find a challenge and experience all of my own. I would love to compete in the Baja 1000. It may be farfetched and unrealistic but I can dream. I still see a short term goal of touring the Baja peninsula, I hope to "waste" two months of my life down there. It would be my trial run for international motorcycle travel. I thought I would try that in late November, when I am able to purchase my next motorcycle. Looking at weather almanacs I should postpone for a warmer season, but of course I am tremendously impatient person. How do others fund this stuff? I'm afraid of long unemployment gaps, but if I had some decent plan to fund this I would embrace this dream easier. For hours on end I sit with ideas swirling around my head. I could dig deep in my "real world career," and make a good try at that "American Dream", but I lack the motivation without hope for a family. As it stands, looking at my immediate future, with my solo existence, I really want to embrace my time alone, burn the directions, and grab the experiences of a lifetime. It would help if I can find a way to incorporate a higher purpose to my travel, some way to make an impact on the lives of others. If my dream was less selfish then I believe it would make the plunge somewhat easier.
--Fish
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